tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post4250273898370693536..comments2024-02-02T03:32:36.204-07:00Comments on SQUIDALICIOUS: Advice Needed: How to Tell a Young Adult They're AdoptedUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-71317800304039246732013-11-02T06:09:06.105-07:002013-11-02T06:09:06.105-07:00Yeah!!! Fantastic news!!!Yeah!!! Fantastic news!!!Lissihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10205773135778540782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-82513432593208757132013-10-28T09:57:29.380-07:002013-10-28T09:57:29.380-07:00Thanks again for all the feedback and advice. You ...Thanks again for all the feedback and advice. You have my gratitude, every last one of you. Positive progress has been made -- which means I most likely will not be writing about next steps. Not without permission of those involved. No guarantees of course, but I am in chirpy optimist mode. Chirp!Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-76997794451057672232013-10-28T09:54:01.948-07:002013-10-28T09:54:01.948-07:00I am hoping that he is strong enough and his famil...I am hoping that he is strong enough and his family ties and love are strong enough that this won't be catastrophic. Mind-blowing and life-changing, probably. But my hope is that it is clear to him how much everyone involved loves him, and that my choosing to stay pregnant even though I wasn't able to be a parent and then finding him a really great family -- all good. All good things. Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-84921767692226415602013-10-28T09:51:03.388-07:002013-10-28T09:51:03.388-07:001) It was open when he was young. I was not consul...1) It was open when he was young. I was not consulted in it becoming closed by your definition.<br /><br />2) They are good parents who made a bad choice. I knew the family, that is why I chose them for him.<br /><br />3) I agree he needs to be told, but I would really really rather he hears from his parents than out of the blue from a stranger.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-52694213813518190872013-10-27T03:03:04.603-07:002013-10-27T03:03:04.603-07:00First, sorry for the length.
i am an LDA. I was j...First, sorry for the length.<br /><br />i am an LDA. I was just barely 24 when I found out, so I really feel for your son as I was around the same age. I was a product of the closed adoption era, but by the time I found out, there had been a reunion registry for quite some time in my province. My bio mother had waited patiently for me to search for her, but finally hired an agency. They were who told me I was adopted.<br /><br />Even if his aparents are the ones who tell him, & they do it NOW, there's a good chance their lies & betrayal for his whole life will have destroyed any chance of his maintaining a relationship with them. I can't be sure, but I think if my adoptive father hadn't died, I might have cut ties. As it is, we put up with my amother. My husband has never forgiven her. My coping method is stuffing/ignoring, so I really don't know how I feel about her most of time. She's not my mother, though. I never felt that, even before all this. <br /><br />No matter what you say to convince them, if they haven't told by this point, I doubt they ever will. AP's who hide the adoption all seem to be slightly (or hugely) unbalanced. My amother once admitted to me she doesn't believe she did anything wrong by not telling me & that she never would have if it hadn't been taken out of her hands. And she is, in every other way,an average, sane person.<br /><br />Here's another thing; you're worried he'll be angry with you if you're the one to tell him, but have you considered how angry he'll be that you knew how to contact him, that you could have told him, & didn't? He's likely going to be angry & resentful & hurt with all of you for at least awhile, not just about the lies, but about being given away in the first place. If he knows you effectively agreed to the lies by not telling him...well, I wouldn't count on him wanting a relationship with you after that. My own biomother didn't participate in the lie and we still barely have a relationship.<br /><br />To be blunt, being adopted sucks & completely messes with your head. Being an LDA adds a whole other level of messed up.<br /><br />Also, what 7rin said. I agree completely.Nighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16758876794245753305noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-71194542307828437032013-10-27T02:35:03.748-07:002013-10-27T02:35:03.748-07:001. If he doesn't know he's adopted, then n...1. If he doesn't know he's adopted, then no, it's NOT an "open adoption".<br /><br />2. If his APs have been lying to him about something as important as HIS OWN medical status then no, they don't "love him", they just want to pretend to possess him.<br /><br />3. If you don't tell him, you're as complicit as they are in lying to him.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-7955812254732204632013-10-26T07:31:12.499-07:002013-10-26T07:31:12.499-07:00By the way, I sent his step mom a link to this pos...By the way, I sent his step mom a link to this post last night. Obvs, I believe in transparency.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-30717202725820817242013-10-26T07:29:39.440-07:002013-10-26T07:29:39.440-07:00Thank you, Anita, and thank you for sharing your s...Thank you, Anita, and thank you for sharing your story. Which I didn't know! I really do hope his parents will come around and tell him, and just be honest about why they deceived him -- good people making bad decisions without thinking it through, most likely. And it certainly doesn't change that they're his parents.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-5620324765441815172013-10-26T07:24:21.107-07:002013-10-26T07:24:21.107-07:00The medical/genetic history issue is a factor in m...The medical/genetic history issue is a factor in my distress, for certain. And I am hoping for that (best) scenario. Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-65151414751732292072013-10-26T05:40:17.439-07:002013-10-26T05:40:17.439-07:00Ron is definitely the go-to guy on this subject. ...Ron is definitely the go-to guy on this subject. I found out at age 31 and my aparents NEVER acknowledged that I was adopted - even after I found out. So we just didn't discuss it and I went about my search without consulting them.<br /><br />Adoptees find out in various ways - their aparents eventually sit them down and tell them (best), a close friend or family member tells them (good), they find out accidentally (not so good as they have to decide whether to confront or not) or someone throws it at them in an angry moment ("You're not really family anyway!")<br /><br />Ron will tell you about the disproportionate number of adoptees who find out at an aparent's funeral.<br /><br />One totally objective reason to tell has to do with knowledge of family medical history. Your (collective) son is using his aparents' family medical history. That can be very dangerous. Medical history is not just what one might be susceptible to but also what drugs/treatments are more likely to work. If someone is adamant that "it doesn't matter" if an adoptee knows or doesn't know - I bring up the medical history angle. There is no way to sidestep or gloss over that - although some people still try.Gaye Tannenbaumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17792214233203816331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-74739543335111856432013-10-26T01:15:09.251-07:002013-10-26T01:15:09.251-07:00When I started reviewing profiles of potential egg...When I started reviewing profiles of potential egg donors, I quickly realized that the thing that mattered most to me was finding a woman who had a high probably of welcoming a relationship with my children should they every want to know her. I wanted and still want for my children the opportunity to get their questions answered about where they come from and who they are. They may never care to know but I didn't want to make a choice that would close the option off unnecessarily.<br /><br />Other potential recipients of donor eggs I knew were not so sure they wanted their children to know. One of the most prescient comments made in our support group was that the truth almost always comes out and it usually does at a time of crisis. It is hard for people who have a lot invested in a position to change their minds but perhaps you could appeal to his parents to take on explaining and apologizing for the years of deception when they can choose the time and setting for the dialog and do it without also having to deal with a family crisis. Apologies for any hurt caused are going be much more believable if they come clean of their own volition. <br /><br />You clearly have his best interest at heart and when and if you ever do have a relationship with him, I know he will feel lucky to know you and be connected to you and have a birth mom who cares so much about him and has so much room for him in her heart.<br /><br />I am so sorry you have been put in this situation. You rightly and generously put his best interest first, but you, too, are suffering from the unfortunate choice to deceive him. My heart goes out to you.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03772881712011188547noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-58629653053830114842013-10-25T17:34:14.380-07:002013-10-25T17:34:14.380-07:00Thank you for addressing his parents, and giving a...Thank you for addressing his parents, and giving advice for them. This is where I struggle. I know they love him so much and have done a wonderful job of raising him -- but the decision to keep him in the dark is just wrong, and it won't keep, as you noted.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-2320657473001367772013-10-25T17:25:54.989-07:002013-10-25T17:25:54.989-07:00The reason I contacted his parents in the first pl...The reason I contacted his parents in the first place was because he just moved to this area in August, and any time I'm in public I can't stop scanning for him. So I passed on my info in case he wanted to contact us. If they have no intention of passing it on, I will have to contact him myself. But that's a rotten position to be in because messengers bearing unwelcome news are usually shot.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-54971948140190009242013-10-25T17:22:45.232-07:002013-10-25T17:22:45.232-07:00Thank you for the excellent resource, and for bein...Thank you for the excellent resource, and for being so generous with your own experience. And I agree he needs to know his truth. I hope his parents will tell him.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-63649561774522135532013-10-25T17:18:35.447-07:002013-10-25T17:18:35.447-07:00I'm of two minds on this. Email affords an imm...I'm of two minds on this. Email affords an immediacy that might lead to impulsive responses. But I know his email address. I don't have a direct mailing address.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-84450755970302952212013-10-25T17:13:32.887-07:002013-10-25T17:13:32.887-07:00I'd keep it even shorter than that, if I go th...I'd keep it even shorter than that, if I go that path. I wish his dad would tell him. He's going to know eventually on his own.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-50447766677543683522013-10-25T16:55:09.389-07:002013-10-25T16:55:09.389-07:00I think he has his suspicions, actually, from what...I think he has his suspicions, actually, from what I've been able to glean. Mostly I'm just so sad he doesn't know already, hearing now is going to be so hard. I just hope he hasn't found out definitively on his own.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-24384385295421687852013-10-25T16:53:01.608-07:002013-10-25T16:53:01.608-07:00Thank you for your kindness and stories, Leigh. I ...Thank you for your kindness and stories, Leigh. I don't know if they know about my writing. But they're of a different generation and might not be partially Internet-based life forms like you and I -- as soon as I have anyone's name, I'm on it BAM, at least a cursory search.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-14621296223305199952013-10-25T16:47:40.251-07:002013-10-25T16:47:40.251-07:00Whoa. That is tremendous. Thanks, Paula.Whoa. That is tremendous. Thanks, Paula.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-66959443055393548812013-10-25T16:46:52.744-07:002013-10-25T16:46:52.744-07:00He's 23. And I don't want to barge into hi...He's 23. And I don't want to barge into his life, much as I would love to get to know him. What I'd like is for him to know how to contact me if he wants to. But more than that, I want him to know he's adopted, because lies suck. Especially when the people around you all know the truth.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-53474154795661807252013-10-25T16:43:45.159-07:002013-10-25T16:43:45.159-07:00I used to read Dawn back in the day, didn't k...I used to read Dawn back in the day, didn't know she'd started a new career. That's great news. Thanks.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-51549265706864622182013-10-25T16:40:21.685-07:002013-10-25T16:40:21.685-07:00That looks like an excellent resource. One thing I...That looks like an excellent resource. One thing I worry about is not knowing where to point people for advice, so this really helps.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-63812267688870347202013-10-25T16:38:46.558-07:002013-10-25T16:38:46.558-07:00I appreciate hearing the perspective of an adoptee...I appreciate hearing the perspective of an adoptee. And agree about being entitled to one's own history.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-53376901299576149502013-10-25T16:35:05.486-07:002013-10-25T16:35:05.486-07:00Wonderful resources, thank you.Wonderful resources, thank you.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5563550.post-14044705032886538042013-10-25T09:50:25.934-07:002013-10-25T09:50:25.934-07:00Hmm. I'm an AP, and my mom has told me stories...Hmm. I'm an AP, and my mom has told me stories over her decades of practice in family therapy about APs who think they need support to tell their child that s/he was adopted. So, having revealed my biases, I'll address my comment to the APs: <br /><br />WHAT?!?!?! I thought no one did this anymore. Because openness in adoption, the prevalence of cross-racial adoptions, Facebook, and cheap DNA testing all make it impossible to keep this level of secret forever. It sounds like you made some choices before those trends came together, and looking back, you might make different choices. That's my suggested script to start the conversation, but get help because you have a lot of apologizing to do. You're going to need information and support as you struggle through this crisis as a family.<br /><br />One book that isn't threatening to APs but is honest: Sherrie Eldrige, 20 Things Adopted People etc. Another book that is low-threat, high-value is Lois Melina's Raising Adopted Children. If you like personal stories, you'd get a lot of value from 'Ithaka' by Sarah Saffian.<br /><br />Now is the time. As they say, You're only as sick as your secrets. But you can manage the crisis you've created for your son and yourselves. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11371285008629933493noreply@blogger.com