The Coolness of Being Thirteen

Thirteen is cool, says my eldest daughter Gisela, who should know. She says thirteen is when people take you seriously, because you're finally a teenager. Thirteen is different. It matters. You matter.

For me, hers is a bittersweet declaration. I am astounded by the lithe, strong, clever, independent-minded young woman she is turning into, but I'll admit -- I really liked the before-teen phase, with kids who were not self-aware about coolness, still mostly obedient, who still looked up to me as the ultimate font of knowledge, had no hangups about hiking with Mommy, playing family geography trivia games, and agreed that Star Trek marathons are a fantastic way to spend quality time together. These days, she'd much rather code Tumblr themes.

Mine is a selfish perspective, admittedly. But I suspect many parents in my spot also long for the days when their now-skeptical, slightly haughty teens were still kids, as well as wide-eyed, trusty companions & sidekicks, even as we embrace the people they are becoming.

I write 'kids' because Gisela has a younger brother Leo, who is also approaching teenhood. She is a few months past thirteen, he has a few months until thirteen. Leo pushes those teen buttons differently than Gisela because he is not her, and also because he is Autistic with a capital A. While Gisela will now debate with me outright about choices and chores, Leo -- who reserves the right not to speak unless it really matters -- will merely give me a sidelong glance to let me know that he heard me but has no intention of complying, then take off in the opposite direction.

What thirteen has not changed is their relationship with each other. They have never known a life outside each other's periphery, have always had a deep affection and connection with each other (though they both bicker like jaybirds with their eight-year-old sister India). Gisela is one of the few people who can help Leo calm down when he's distraught and not able to self-soothe. Leo always accepts Gisela as she is -- he doesn't care whether she has the right shoes, makeup, or hair (all potentially earth-shattering choices for Gisela's version of thirteen), he's always glad to see her. I am glad they remain the sweetest of companions to each other, even as they push back at me, even though I don't hold them even remotely responsible for how that pushing back makes my heart ache.

But whenever that pushing back really hurts, I can always remind myself how lucky our family is, just to have all three of our kids so alive and so healthy. Gisela and I just returned from a trip to visit friends in Ghana, a country that has had many successful vaccine campaigns. However, it was very clear during our visit that other African countries still struggle to get vaccinations to all those who deserve protection from vaccine-preventable disease. Gisela's good fortune in being fully vaccinated was not lost on her.

I am also glad my kids are alive and healthy, because when Leo was first diagnosed with autism, I was one of those smart, well-informed parents who nonetheless blamed vaccines. I regret this lapse in judgment, hope my ignorance was not contagious, and now work very hard to share legitimate vaccine information (i.e., the evidence is against a link to autism) in the autism and parent communities.

And I will continue to hug both my teens as hard as I can, any time they will let me. Even if it's not always cool.

This post is inspired by Shot@Life, an initiative of the United Nations Foundation that educates, connects and empowers the championing of vaccines as one of the most cost effective ways to save the lives of children in the world’s hardest to reach places.

During Shot@Life’s Blogust, 31 bloggers, one each day in August, are writing about moments that matter. For every comment on this post and the 30 other posts, Walgreens will donate a vaccine (up to 50,000 vaccines). A child dies every 20 seconds from a vaccine-preventable disease. We can change this reality and help save kids’ lives!

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