My Poor Assless Boy

Leelo gained a lot of weight during his Abilify horrorshow phase: almost ten pounds in two months. In the two months since he switched to Risperdol, his weight has drifted halfway back towards its pre-drug-siege status.

But he still can't pull his pants up properly. He is an assless boy like his assless grandfather and assless mother, in stark contrast to his bootyful dad and big sister. When you cap that butt with a great big belly and compound it with questionable fine motor skills, not even elastic-waisted pants can save the day.

I know this because I thought the issue was waist size. So I bought him bigger pants: we jumped from husky sevens to husky eights. Which are indeed much easier for him to pull up and on, but spend most of the day inching towards his knees. He can't wear them to school. He can't wear them anywhere at all unless an adult is with him, because he -- like his assless grandfather -- is incapable of sensing when several inches of crack greet the world.

We got my dad to wear suspenders, but I don't think that's going to work for tactile-aversive Leelo. I guess we just need to keep helping him deflate that belly, and prompting him to pull up his pants.

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  1. Change the identities of the assless progenitors, and remove a few details about meds, and this could be about my older daughter and our many difficulties with pants....

  2. Anonymous1:18 PM

    You know that made me cry with laughter.

    Cause, dammit, you know I am gunna say it, Boo has the same problem.

  3. Jaymes has no butt either. On the plus side, he knows that "Pull up your pants" means he needs to stop, hitch up his pants, and move on. He does it himself, and if I do have to prompt him to do it, does so with great disdain.

  4. I got my butt from the white side of my family, but my poor boy got the non existent Indian butt and he is always showing crack.

  5. hmmm I am trying to invent things for you! What about velcro closures wiht a d ring?

  6. Hey! I have this same problem! No hips, no ass, big gut. Either my pants are too tight and cut me in half (attractive!) or they actually fit at the waist but constantly fall down. Or a little bit of each. (One time my hands were full, and I actually had to have my sister make a desperate grab for my belt loop before the Entire Airport saw my undies.) What has worked for me has been wearing more skirts... (I think because my legs don't constatly pull at a skirt the way they do pants.) I realize this may not be your ideal solution.

  7. @tadpoledrain, we do have Scottish blood on my side. A kilt would not be entirely inappropriate.

  8. I like the kilt idea.
    I laughed so hard reading this - first for the 'bootyful' Iz comment - because OMG she has the PERFECT ASS!
    But then also because my kids have ALWAYS had that problem - except they have no ass, no hips, nothing upon which to hook a waistband. It's like putting pants on a fish.

  9. Anonymous12:06 PM

    Why is this talk of my goddaughter's ass making me uncomfortable?

    Oh. I'm thinking about how quickly puberty is approaching and all the trouble that brings. Can we please start dressing her in, oh-- I don't know-- caftans or Mormon pioneer wear?

  10. we have an assless/round belly boy on this household too. My husband has the same body shape and reading Jo's comment I realize it may be his Indian blood (he is a 1/4 indian).
    Moon permantely shows his little crack. I recently found a pair of shorts with a super high waist. Although incredibly dorky the waist band seems to hang onto the belly and it takes a little bit longer for the crack/underwear combo to show up.
    The other two boys have the roundest, firmest booty. And that is my italian genes. :-)

  11. Oh, and also, my assless experience indicates that:
    1. Elastic-waist are better than non-elastic, even if still not perfect.
    2. Lightweight pants are better than heavy pants. Like, heavy cargo pants will probably fall down faster than track pants.

  12. Anonymous4:54 PM

    i wonder if you could lessen the burden on the waist band by shortening the pants--if they were, like, capri-length sweat pants, there'd be no elastic leg opening adding downward tension on the waistband, and no pant cuff to drag on the ground or shoes, resulting in downward pull. capri sweats might not be fashion forward, but maybe would help?

    or would a drawstring instead of/in addition to the elastic waistband be helpful/tolerable?

  13. would these help?:


    (or maybe shortening the pants--less weight, less drag-down?)

  14. Anonymous5:01 PM

    I have one with butt and one without butt. Buttless frequently finds his trousers at half mast. The elasticated /adjustable ones help but only if he has a soft undershirt betwixt him and the offensive elastic. How I miss dungerees [overalls?]

  15. Anonymous11:34 PM

    Wait a minute...his dad is "bootyful?" I worked for him for 2.5 years so how did I miss this? (or was I dutifully blocking it at the time? Hmm.)



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