The good folks at BlogHer asked to republish my post Letting My Tween Be Selfish, Just a Little Bit Longer as a response to a wrenching anonymous letter from the Afghan Women's Writing Project: I Am For Sale, Who Will Buy Me?
What do you think? Should we protect our children from the world's harsher realities? Or does it do them good to know how fortunate they are by comparison? Go on over to BlogHer and join the discussion.
Showing posts with label tweens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tweens. Show all posts
1.04.2010
Letting My Tween Be Selfish, Just A Little Bit Longer
Iz has fully embraced the tween battle cry "it's not FAIR!!"
It's galling; both Seymour and I would have been spanked for such sassing and shrieking, plus, frankly, she is one of the most fortunate kids I know -- but that's my yardstick, not hers. Iz is looking at the world with the blinders of tween materialism, and can only see the many electronic holiday gifts her friends got and she didn't (we declared an electronics-free Christmas), the extra lessons they get that she doesn't, and the clothes they have that she doesn't. All absurd complaints from such a well-dressed, -accessoried, and -instructed girl. Absurd, to us.
Her dissociation from reality can be jaw-dropping. Last week, over breakfast with Leelo's beloved Godmother Hayley and her fiance Pablo (we love him!), Iz started grumbling over all the attention her exuberant, extroverted younger sister was getting. She said that she felt like the older brother in Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, when his younger sibling goes on TV.
"Really?" I said, "I can totally understand. Because the Fourth Grade Nothing got the lead in his school play, too? And won the class spelling bee for the fourth year in a row? And got invited to join the winter select soccer team?"
She glared at me before laughing reluctantly, and that mostly for the benefit of our guests. A few minutes later she was mooning about a friend's iTouch.
I waffle between painting a scarlet "I" for "Ingrate" on her forehead, mild murmurs of understanding (I remember the all-consuming, illogical wanting of middle school), and strapping her in a Clockwork Orange-style chair until she finishes reading the Afghan Women's Writing Project's I'm For Sale; Who Will Buy Me? and watches this video about life in North Korea (via Laura Miller's Salon.com review of Barbara Demick's book "Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea"):
The only one I'll actually do is occasionally -- very occasionally -- commiserate with her, because the other two options wouldn't be, well, fair (though, hmm, if I photoshop the I onto her forehead and post it on Facebook, she'll never know...). I'll tell her about the Afghan woman's anonymous testimonial and see if she's interested, and let her watch the North Korea movie if she wants to (she was intrigued by Siam Riep's North Korean nightclubs, and the almost-exclusively South Korean clientele's obsession with forbidden North Korean contact). Otherwise, she's not mature enough to be hit upside the head with or absorb true injustice -- she emerged from her week in Cambodia thinking only of its beaches, temples, and foot massage parlors; the poverty, corruption, and minefields didn't register. At all.
I'll continue to remind her to think positively, to focus on all the things she does have, while firmly reminding her to treat people the way she wants to be treated, because neither her father nor I will tolerate being yelled at. I have faith in her; she's a passionate and empathetic kid underneath all the fabricated tween gloss, and she'll be able to grasp what unfair really means, only too soon. It's okay to let her be selfish for a little bit longer.
It's galling; both Seymour and I would have been spanked for such sassing and shrieking, plus, frankly, she is one of the most fortunate kids I know -- but that's my yardstick, not hers. Iz is looking at the world with the blinders of tween materialism, and can only see the many electronic holiday gifts her friends got and she didn't (we declared an electronics-free Christmas), the extra lessons they get that she doesn't, and the clothes they have that she doesn't. All absurd complaints from such a well-dressed, -accessoried, and -instructed girl. Absurd, to us.
Her dissociation from reality can be jaw-dropping. Last week, over breakfast with Leelo's beloved Godmother Hayley and her fiance Pablo (we love him!), Iz started grumbling over all the attention her exuberant, extroverted younger sister was getting. She said that she felt like the older brother in Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, when his younger sibling goes on TV.
"Really?" I said, "I can totally understand. Because the Fourth Grade Nothing got the lead in his school play, too? And won the class spelling bee for the fourth year in a row? And got invited to join the winter select soccer team?"
She glared at me before laughing reluctantly, and that mostly for the benefit of our guests. A few minutes later she was mooning about a friend's iTouch.
I waffle between painting a scarlet "I" for "Ingrate" on her forehead, mild murmurs of understanding (I remember the all-consuming, illogical wanting of middle school), and strapping her in a Clockwork Orange-style chair until she finishes reading the Afghan Women's Writing Project's I'm For Sale; Who Will Buy Me? and watches this video about life in North Korea (via Laura Miller's Salon.com review of Barbara Demick's book "Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea"):
The only one I'll actually do is occasionally -- very occasionally -- commiserate with her, because the other two options wouldn't be, well, fair (though, hmm, if I photoshop the I onto her forehead and post it on Facebook, she'll never know...). I'll tell her about the Afghan woman's anonymous testimonial and see if she's interested, and let her watch the North Korea movie if she wants to (she was intrigued by Siam Riep's North Korean nightclubs, and the almost-exclusively South Korean clientele's obsession with forbidden North Korean contact). Otherwise, she's not mature enough to be hit upside the head with or absorb true injustice -- she emerged from her week in Cambodia thinking only of its beaches, temples, and foot massage parlors; the poverty, corruption, and minefields didn't register. At all.
I'll continue to remind her to think positively, to focus on all the things she does have, while firmly reminding her to treat people the way she wants to be treated, because neither her father nor I will tolerate being yelled at. I have faith in her; she's a passionate and empathetic kid underneath all the fabricated tween gloss, and she'll be able to grasp what unfair really means, only too soon. It's okay to let her be selfish for a little bit longer.
9.10.2009
New & Upcoming: Alison Singer Q&A; Oh, Internet!; Teen Bullying
Got me a new post up on BlogHer, about how there is no reason for those of us with special needs in our lives to be sad and lonely if we have internet access. We can be sad and lonely TOGETHER! I jest, but seriously, people -- if you're feeling isolated, Twitter and Yahoo! Groups are just waiting for you to plunge into their warm, squooshy, welcoming depths. I have specific recommendations in the post, but don't forget to leave a comment about your own favorite online special needs community resources, too.
Can I Sit With You? has a new post, as well, with guest input from tween and teen social skills and advice expert Annie Fox. She covers four frequently asked teen bullying questions, with ideas for what kids can do in each scenario. Meaty stuff. Check it out and let us know what you think about her take on teen troubles.
On October 6th I'll be doing a BlogHer Q&A with Alison Singer, founder and president of the Autism Science Foundation. Whether Ms. Singer makes you cheer or spew nastiness, I am certain that you, like me, are curious about the direction and goals of the Autism Science Foundation, why it was founded, and how it will differ from Autism Speaks. Read Ms. Singer's own perspective on the "driving off a bridge" statement in the Autism Every Day video, neurodiversity, and autistic heterogeneity, then send me your questions or leave them in the comments before September 27th.
Can I Sit With You? has a new post, as well, with guest input from tween and teen social skills and advice expert Annie Fox. She covers four frequently asked teen bullying questions, with ideas for what kids can do in each scenario. Meaty stuff. Check it out and let us know what you think about her take on teen troubles.
On October 6th I'll be doing a BlogHer Q&A with Alison Singer, founder and president of the Autism Science Foundation. Whether Ms. Singer makes you cheer or spew nastiness, I am certain that you, like me, are curious about the direction and goals of the Autism Science Foundation, why it was founded, and how it will differ from Autism Speaks. Read Ms. Singer's own perspective on the "driving off a bridge" statement in the Autism Every Day video, neurodiversity, and autistic heterogeneity, then send me your questions or leave them in the comments before September 27th.
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