Storm Clouds

Things have been far too stressful for far too long and I don't know what to do about it. Recent events with a friend and her partner have left me worried that I don't know how to get my partner a break so that he doesn't crack. One of us has to remain hinged. Yet we've less than two weeks in which to do all that needs to be done for the holidays--on top of taming our usual chaos--before we go to Seattle. Once we get there the stress-o-meter will stay at eleven for eight days straight.

How stressful are things? Stressful enough that I screamed at my six year old daughter last night, to shut up and stop whining. Result? She spent this afternoon on her best behavior, doing everything I asked in a timely fashion. Not because that is her natural inclination, but rather because I scared the shit out of her and now she's afraid of making me angry. That's some fine parenting, hooo dawgie. Give me a medal!

Every night as I go to sleep, I tell myself that at least the next day will be better. Who the fuck am I kidding? Here is my today, and it is not atypical:

  • -Therapist L calls to cancel for today (morning: therapy at home, afternoon: Iron Gate aide) as she had a medical emergency.
  • -Exit house at 7:30 to take Leelo to Occupational Therapy in Deadwood Shores
  • -Slip on ice-slick exterior wood stairs, fall flat on back and see former sleeping babe-in-arms hit cold hard stair. Thankfully she only rolled off my shoulder, but that is sure as hell not how she would choose to wake up.
  • -Go inside, check out baby, calm down baby
  • -Re-exit house, gingerly
  • -Walk by our only piece of nice luggage, which is airing in front of the garage as Scabby pissed on it.
  • -Call Pediatrician on way to OT as Mali has been sick for four weeks now, and things have become crusty (eyes and nose). Also cough is really chesty and looks like it hurts. Leave message.
  • -Arrive 7 minutes late for OT. Which costs $2/minute.
  • -Go to Satan's Coffee, congratulating myself for at least remembering to bring my own cup. Too bad I brought the wrong lid. Exit store bearing paper cup.
  • -Pick up Leelo, who had a tolerable session with some good coloring and scissor work. Yay Leelo!
  • -Run errands on way home. Advice nurse calls while I am in check out line. I try to move to the side so as to delay checking out but clerk pointedly starts scanning my items while I am on phone talking about my very sick baby while also Mali whines on my hip and Leelo tries to escape my hold on his wrist. Mali needs to come in and see a doctor.
  • -Dash home. Frantically prepare Leelo's and Mali's backpacks for Iron Gate. Spaz over preparing snack for Iron Gate kids and parents.
  • -Team meeting at home, with Supervisor M, Therapist S, and (yay!) Sage. Good but long discussion. Leelo has been having a shitty three weeks since we returned from Phoenix, and we are concentrating on removing stressors from his environment. However he is not losing any skills, not regressing. No point in adding anything new to program as we're traveling again, soon.
  • -Leelo drops glass cup on tile floor, mid-meeting. It shatters all around his feet and he cuts his finger, which I do not notice until Supervisor M points it out--Mother of the Year! Cut is small and stops bleeding quickly, which is good as Leelo will not tolerate band aids.
  • -Supervisor M brings a selection of books for kids about autism and suggests that most are insufficient and that I should write a better one. YEAH. Maybe in 2010.
  • -Run Leelo and Mali to Iron Gate. Saintly Supervisor M takes over first part of Therapist L's shift with Leelo.
  • -Arrive in Iron Gate kitchen. Realize that previous kitcheneer declined to put away clean dishes from dish rack and dishwasher. Nark on said person to Iron Gate president. Feel smaller blood vessels popping inside cranium, as working Kitchen/snack is stressful enough without even the slightest additional demands.
  • -Sage arrives to say hi and puts away all the dishes! Goddess!
  • -Realize after prepping snack and giving several people breaks that snack time has not been called and it is getting late.
  • -Leelo is handed to me by Supervisor M as she needs to leave to pick up her own kids (saint!). Hip-load Leelo as I finish up a teaching lesson. Leelo then helps me wheel the snack cart down to snack area.
  • -Children are snarling little demons, wrestling over banana muffins and deserving to have tiny horns branded on the sides of their foreheads. I resolve to never have children.
  • -Leelo, now free-range, dashes through my field of vision from time to time.
  • -Snack ends late late late. I sprint back to the kitchen to start cleaning up, as I'd intended to clean up early so as to be Leelo's bedrock during circle time (he cannot attend unaided).
  • -Saintly JL comes on Teacher P's orders to take over clean up so I can help Leelo.
  • -I help Leelo for five minutes (he does so well!) but then Mali starts howling from the nursery and I'm told to take her, too.
  • -The shift from hell finally ends
  • -As I am dropping of Sage's Ki (Leelo's carpooly classmate) at home I remember that I never retrieved the snack tray from the nursery (where Mali and all the micro-Gaters are penned while their parents toil). Go me!
  • -Retrieve Iz from Badger's popcorn-and-cranberry string fest. Am so implosive that I yell at Iz again--in front of everyone--this time for forgetting her coat at school. Make no eye contact with anyone (more on that later) and leave quickly.
  • -Come home to find ants invading entire home, specifically kitchen. Sweep them all outside and leave more deadly forms of warfare to Seymour.
  • -Seymour calls at time he usually arrives home to tell me that he's just leaving his office 30 minutes away.
  • -Realize that that same body of mine that took a pratfall on the stairs this A.M. is now very sore.
  • -Finally remember to call back Pediatrician to make appointment for Mali. However the office is closed for the day.
  • -Mali takes forever to go to sleep.
  • -And here I am.
I must say that I love my friends dearly, but that I simply cannot tolerate being around them right now. And yes these would be the same friends who picked up Iz from school this afternoon (Jo), hosted her all afternoon (Badger), and had her over to play all day on Saturday (Ep). I am having a hard time articulating why but it's mostly rooted in jealousy over their large slots of child-free time, so I'll just trust that you can understand and avoid me for now.

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