2.04.2004

It's The Hormones

I really resent having a body and mind that, no matter how hard I try, will always be first and foremost under the control of endocrine secretions. God fucking damn it. It is embarrassing. When they take over, I get these uncontrollable urges to share, and we all know how gruesome that can be. But I can't help it. Aiiiigh.

Just last week, on the hormonal upswing, I got to thinking about A, the baby I gave up for adoption, and how he spent his first two days in the hospital mostly hanging out in the nursery, the poor little guy! I didn't hand him over to his mommy until he was 36 hours old! He must have been so lonely. Blubber blubber blubber! (Iz from the back seat: Mommy, are you okay?)

Which brings up a whole other issue: how the fuck am I supposed to tell her about this little secret? Should I? Just thinking about that conversation makes my heart drop out of my chest, all roller-coaster like. Bloody hell.

The weird thing about A's birth is that my dad--who goes by the code name Captain Video--filmed the whole thing. I have a video of me coming out of the delivery room (telling my dad to Go Away Dammit), me holding the baby and introducing him to all my friends who were in town, the baby hanging out in the nursery, more friends coming to see him, my mom holding her first grandbaby except he wasn't, all that. I don't understand why my dad recorded it all. Of course I watched it obsessively over the next year, every chance I got. It's still here, somewhere.

Now I am on the hormonal descent. It's not pretty (see last two posts). I've spent the last two or three days trying to get in touch with the Stanfford Pediatric Neurology Clinic (Dr. P came through on the referral), finally got through this morning, and was granted an appointment on JULY 30th, because they only have one Neuro doc who evaluates kids with developmental delays. I am still waiting to hear back from their autism clinic, but they warned that I might not hear from them for a few more months. So I am blubbering again, not just thinking of Leelo but of all the families with kids like him who are going through what we are, probably more intensely and with later diagnoses and fewer resources, and then have to deal with these same administrative delays on top of it all. Jeez.

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